Top Five Ranch Pen Posts Of 2013–#3

#3 in the Ranch Pen’s most viewed posts was the recent one, The Phony Meat Project in Southwest Oklahoma.

We are all about freedom here at the Ranch Pen: freedom to worship God without interference and to believe the Bible as it is written, freedom to speak our minds, freedom to own guns, and freedom to eat whatever we want, including meat and blueberry lemon sweet rolls. (Don’t those rolls make your mouth water? We’ve got to have those Christmas morning. With some bacon. Click the link, it’ll take you to the recipe)

Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 1.59.23 PM

Anyway, perhaps because Gramps and I raise cattle for food, we are more sensitive to the voices in the world nagging us to give up meat, which–those militant voices screech–will make us kinder, gentler, less judgmental folk. I could do an entire opinion piece on how that all connects to the freedoms–or lack thereof–mentioned above, but I wish for peace on earth and good will toward men here at Christmas time, so I’ll refrain for now.

And in the spirit of peace, if any of y’all want to eat tofu turkey, please feel free to do so–just be advised your dog won’t eat the leftovers.



A tofu “turkey roast” with wild rice stuffing

A Very Blessed Thanksgiving

I trust all my readers in the US enjoyed a blessed Thanksgiving holiday this past week. Gramps and I certainly did with our family. We had everything to be thankful for, including a rich selection of delicious food.

Phony Turkey Anyone?

Before the Thanksgiving holiday, when I began to plan the meal I wondered: What do non-meat eaters eat on turkey day? Well, to those of you who don’t wonder about those things, I’ll tell you anyway. Some of them eat a turkey replacement processed from tofu, which is a soybean product.

As beef producers, the ideas behind militant vegan-ism and animal rights are a source of indigestion for Gramps and me, but as a writer, I decided to do some research into the topic of phony turkey meat before I just tossed it off as no account. I called up my super secret source in the health food industry and he hooked me up with a tofu turkey “roast”.

Gramps Didn’t Just Fall Off The Turnip Wagon Last Night In The Dark. Hello

Gramps once told a sandwich person trying to talk him into trying turkey ham: “Listen, lady. I live on a farm. I have seen turkeys naked. They don’t have hams.” Likewise, turkeys don’t have roasts. Especially not fake turkeys. But I digress.


What Gramps thought of the turkey-like “roast”

Should’ve Stopped At The Stuffing

I honestly approached my fake turkey with an open mind, however, the more I chewed the bigger it seemed to get, sort of like chewing on a sponge. The smell reminded me of moldy grain dust, and the meat-like portion tasted like salt and things cooked in a primordial soup. The wild rice stuffing was pretty good, though.

You Can’t Fool Kids Or Dogs

The next morning, I gave our border collie, Nellie, a slice to see what her reaction was to fake turkey. The result is captured and badly edited in the following video.


Now We Know For Sure

After Nellie made clear her thoughts on the subject, I carried the remains of the “roast” to the chickens. They pecked out the stuffing first, but finally did manage to eat it all, proving my late father-in-law’s contention:

You cain’t poison a chicken.

The Results

So, there you have the results of The Phony Meat Project. I tip my hat to anyone who can actually eat that stuff in spite of the horrible taste and the uncomfortable aftereffects in the digestive tract. And I sincerely hope no one ever succeeds in banning real meat for those of us who choose to eat it.


As always, I appreciate y’all reading so much. Next week, I’ll do only one post on account of Christmas, but will try to reveal the top two most viewed Ranch Pen posts the following week. Until next time, God bless all y’all and enjoy these Piano Guys doing a jazzed up version of We Three Kings.


*These artists don’t necessarily endorse my blog, I just like ’em.

5 thoughts on “Top Five Ranch Pen Posts Of 2013–#3

  1. Pingback: Top Five Ranch Pen Posts Of 2013–#2 | From the Ranch Pen–A Danni McGriffith Blog

  2. Those sweet rolls look delicious! I’m sure they’ll be perfect with bacon. Then again, everything is perfect with bacon in my opinion.

    The militant screeching from the meatless population is probably a direct side effect of digestive tract issues from faux meat. I imagine living in a constant state of digestive disharmony probably doesn’t help one be kinder, gentler, or less judgmental. Smoky, salty bacon, on the other hand, is among the best of life’s simple pleasures. Bonus feature: no digestive discomforts!

    • Hee hee. So true. A steady diet of roughage probably doesn’t improve the mood. Bacon, lean of course, is so tasty. I was just rattling on the other day–maybe to you–about when my grandma used to sugar cure and smoke hams and bacons out in her old truck box/smoke house. That was the best meat. She also made head cheese and scrapple which I wasn’t crazy about.
      Those blueberry rolls look SO yummy. I’m planning to whomp up a batch 🙂

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