The Phony Meat Project In Southwest Oklahoma


A tofu “turkey roast” with wild rice stuffing

A Very Blessed Thanksgiving

I trust all my readers in the US enjoyed a blessed Thanksgiving holiday this past week. Gramps and I certainly did with our family. We had everything to be thankful for, including a rich selection of delicious food.

Phony Turkey Anyone?

Before the Thanksgiving holiday, when I began to plan the meal I wondered: What do non-meat eaters eat on turkey day? Well, to those of you who don’t wonder about those things, I’ll tell you anyway. Some of them eat a turkey replacement processed from tofu, which is a soybean product.

As beef producers, the ideas behind militant vegan-ism and animal rights are a source of indigestion for Gramps and me, but as a writer, I decided to do some research into the topic of phony turkey meat before I just tossed it off as no account. I called up my super secret source in the health food industry and he hooked me up with a tofu turkey “roast”.

Gramps Didn’t Just Fall Off The Turnip Wagon Last Night In The Dark. Hello

Gramps once told a sandwich person trying to talk him into trying turkey ham: “Listen, lady. I live on a farm. I have seen turkeys naked. They don’t have hams.” Likewise, turkeys don’t have roasts. Especially not fake turkeys. But I digress.


What Gramps thought of the turkey-like “roast”

Should’ve Stopped At The Stuffing

I honestly approached my fake turkey with an open mind, however, the more I chewed the bigger it seemed to get, sort of like chewing on a sponge. The smell reminded me of moldy grain dust, and the meat-like portion tasted like salt and things cooked in a primordial soup. The wild rice stuffing was pretty good, though.

You Can’t Fool Kids Or Dogs

The next morning, I gave our border collie, Nellie, a slice to see what her reaction was to fake turkey. The result is captured and badly edited in the following video.


Now We Know For Sure

After Nellie made clear her thoughts on the subject, I carried the remains of the “roast” to the chickens. They pecked out the stuffing first, but finally did manage to eat it all, proving my late father-in-law’s contention:

You cain’t poison a chicken.

The Results

So, there you have the results of The Phony Meat Project. I tip my hat to anyone who can actually eat that stuff in spite of the horrible taste and the uncomfortable aftereffects in the digestive tract. And I sincerely hope no one ever succeeds in banning real meat for those of us who choose to eat it.

Until next time, God bless all y’all and as we start into the Christmas season, (a few months behind Wal-Mart,) enjoy this guy from The Piano Guys tearin’ up Carol Of The Bells on his cello.


*These artists don’t necessarily endorse my blog, I just like ’em.

10 thoughts on “The Phony Meat Project In Southwest Oklahoma

  1. Pingback: The Health Food Go-To Guy At The Ranch Pen | From the Ranch Pen–A Danni McGriffith Blog

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  3. Oh my Danni! I’m wiping tears from laughing at Gramps’ picture AND the awesome video and editing of that precious Nellie! Dogs are smart critters! I can’t wait to show the video to Wes and the kids!

    • Hi, Shawna 🙂 Nellie is a funny, funny dog. She is NOT a discerning eater, though–she wolfs down everything without a blink. That’s why I found her response to tofu turkey so hilarious.
      I hope y’all and all your critters survive the coming cold snap all right.

  4. Nearly died laughing at Gramps’ expression in that picture. No, no, tofu is not meat. It just cannot substitute. And I LOVED the video–love Carol of the Bells. And that guy is jamming away to it. Love that. Thanks, Danni!

  5. Blondie said she loved everything about this post. Her younger brother said he liked the funny picture of Gramps.

    I’m with Blondie. Down with faux-turkey!

  6. Hahahahahaha! Dogs don’t lie about food. Her & Gramps are kindred spirits. I can imagine him burying his portion out behind the chicken pen. I will stay away from unnatural meat products.

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