To everybody who downloaded Agnes Campbell’s Hat over the weekend, I thank you ever so much. Every day, literally tons of authors by weight release books into the world, so I deeply appreciate you giving mine a try. If anybody still wants to download it, click on the link above or the image in the sidebar and it should hook you up with the ebook or the paperback edition.
I want so much to provide useful content on the blog, especially today for those of you who downloaded the book. I thought, Hey! Maybe I could post a really yummy recipe to thank everybody since a lot of the farm blogs and other blogs I read have been displaying beautiful pictures of fall food. Then I remembered…I’m not a very good cook and I don’t know any really spectacular recipes.
So–as a thank you that will save you embarrassment if nothing else–I am posting a free anti-recipe, or something you should never bake if you want to be taken seriously as a cook. I made this apple crisp…ish thing myself this past Sunday, and I can tell you, this anti-recipe WORKS. Follow the step by step instructions and yours will turn out just like mine.
1. Round up your best pan. Put some kind of grease in it. If you live thirteen miles from the nearest open store, you might need to be inventive. I happened to have some butter on hand, but lard or chicken fat will do.
2. Dig around in the bottom drawer of the fridge for the apples nobody would eat because they had the texture of cornmeal and tasted like cardboard when you bought them. Not even peanut butter could make them palatable. The more wrinkled the apples are, the better–that means they have absolutely no juices to get anything sticky. A few black spots are fine. (While you’re digging around in there, you might as well throw out the mummified grapes and other unidentifiable foodstuffs. The…lemon wedge?…carrot?…in the ziploc bag needs to go.)
3. Peel the apples. This’ll take a while if they’re crumbly enough. Be sure not to miss paring out those black spots. They can leave an aftertaste. Place the apple pieces in the pan–one cup or five, no matter.
4. If you’ve just plain forgotten how to make the apple crisp stuff, you can probably wing it from here–or dig out a cookbook. Oh, go ahead…just wing it.
5. Melt some butter. (My grandma would’ve used chicken fat if she had any getting ready to go rancid, but I will say butter is better than chicken fat for apple crisp.) Measurement is arbitrary. Just eyeball it. Then put in some whole wheat flour and oatmeal and a couple of spoons of cinnamon. Remember you don’t have any brown sugar. Substitute something here. I happened to have some turbinado cane sugar so I used that. Be sure not to use enough to make extra juice.
6. Pour the crumbs on the apples and mash the whole thing down. Then you slide the apple crisp in the oven and bake it until juice starts bubbling up through the crumbles. Unfortunately, when you use old, wrinkly, tasteless apples, there is no juice. In that case, just stop cooking it when the stuff looks brown-ish.
*Don’t make this apple crisp if you’re trying to win the county fair.
**And a big thank you to Gramps who will eat almost anything I slop out there and acts glad to get it.
And again, thank you so much for giving Agnes Campbell’s Hat a try. Until next time, God bless all y’all.