When we gather cattle on pasture, Gramps sometimes builds what we call a wing along the fence. It’s made of fence wire or metal cattle panels and it acts as a giant funnel. We’ll run the cattle along the fence, funnel them through the wing and into a catch pen. We usually bait the pen with some tasty hay or alfalfa pellets in hopes the cattle will stay in the pen and start eating instead of crashing over the fence or trying to come back out the wing.
HOWEVER, if we’re catching old cows, there’s always one old
bat mama cow who has seen this setup before, and she knows something bad is fixing to happen–she’s going to get her baby taken away, she’s going to get poked with something, or she’s going to go bye-bye–so she won’t go in the wing.
Once, we had an old white cow who ran straight for the pond when she heard the truck and trailer coming. She’d stand in the middle of the water with only her head sticking up until we’d give in and go home. Took us over two years to catch her.
And this is what that story has to do with veggie burgers:
I am that cow.
I saw an ad this morning encouraging me to have a veggie burger because of the Meatless Monday Campaign. The advertisement made all the old white cow hair rise up on my back and I headed straight for the pond instead of running inside the Meatless Monday wing and into a catch pen baited with…veggie burgers?
Seriously? Check out the ingredients of a popular veggie burger brand:
TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (SOY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, WHEAT GLUTEN, WATER FOR HYDRATION), CORN OIL, EGG WHITES, CALCIUM CASEINATE, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF MODIFIED TAPIOCA STARCH, ONION POWDER, MIXED TRIGLYCERIDES, CANOLA OIL, HYDROLYZED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (CORN GLUTEN, WHEAT GLUTEN, SOY PROTEIN), DEXTROSE, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, SALT, YEAST EXTRACT, SUGAR, CARAMEL COLOR, WHEY*, METHYLCELLULOSE, SPICE, GARLIC POWDER, MALTODEXTRIN, DISODIUM INOSINATE, DISODIUM GUANYLATE, SOY SAUCE (WATER, SOYBEANS, SALT, ETHYL ALCOHOL, WHEAT), AUTOLYZED YEAST EXTRACT, ASCORBIC ACID, THIAMIN HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B1), NIACINAMIDE, SESAME SEED OIL, SOY LECITHIN, IRON (FERROUS SULFATE), THIAMIN MONONITRAT (VITAMIN B1), PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B6), RIBOFLAVIN (VITAMIN B2), VITAMIN B12. *ADDS A TRIVIAL AMOUNT OF CHOLESTEROL.
As mouth-watering as that textured vegetable protein sounds, I guess I’ll just have to go try to choke down a ranch-raised, grass-fed, corn-fattened, 100% pure ground beef patty with added sea salt and freshly ground pepper!
And, finally, for a conversation nobody will ever hear at our house:
Gramps: “Hey, Danni, I’ve been poundin’ fence posts by hand all day, why don’t you hook me up with one o’ them veggie burgers for Meatless Monday?”
Danni: “Sure…Do you want fries with that?”
So, Can Any of Y’all Answer These Pressing Questions?
- Should we eat methylcellulose and disodium guanylate on purpose, or should we spit it out? (oh…sorry. I was thinking of guano. Go ahead and eat the guanylate, it probably won’t hurt you.)
- Is it a ‘Campaign’s’ job to make us feel guilty about, say…eating meat, destroying the planet, or even washing our underwear too frequently? (I thought guilt was our mothers’ job.)
- And, hey…anybody out there…? Can I come out of the pond, now?
Until next time, all y’all eat whatever you want to, even if it’s veggie burgers. Some people in this ol’ world would love to have that privilege. God bless and enjoy The Cathedrals doin’ Suppertime.